Single Mom Struggles

The stress of being a single mom is unreal.  I constantly worry about my kids, bills and how I’m going to pay my next bill on time.  I am a homeowner but its honestly more of a burden than an actual place where I feel at peace.  I have had it on the market since the summer and have had no bites so far.  I’m constantly thinking of ways to make more money, from selling some of my things, to signing up for Airbnb to rent out a room.  The struggle is real.  Most times I am okay, I wake up, tell myself to get out of bed and do what I gotta do.  Normally 20 min after I’m up I feel better and really start my day.  It’s not until I get to work that all the thoughts of what I have to do come rushing back and I start planning and looking for my next move.  I figure if I’m always pushing myself to make something happen, then eventually it won’t be as hard.  One day.  Until that day comes I just do what I gotta do and try to not let it get to me.  Most days I’m fine, but there are those moments when I break down.  Preferably not in front of my kids, but it has happened in front of my youngest.  Particularly this past weekend I was feeling more overwhelmed then usual and was sick on top of it.  My mortgage was coming up and I had to figure out how I was going to pay it all.  My parents who have been wonderful at helping me at raising my sons offered to help me out, but up until now I have refused their help.  I mean my father works 7 days a week, and my stepmother works full time, plus picks up my son after school and gives him dinner all week.  So how could I possibly lean on them more?  So, I cried.  I cried and asked myself what I was going to do.  I cried for me, for my sons and just for everything that I have hanging over my head that I have to take care of.  In those moments I really do feel like I am incapable of making it better.  I let my mind control my thoughts and it takes over me.  Thankfully its only temporary and in the moment and once I snap out of it I’m good.  I’ve learned that I need those moments.  I need to be able to cry and let out my frustrations, just preferably when I’m alone and not with my 5-year-old lol.   But hey, I’m not perfect, just a mom who sometimes get extremely overwhelmed...and that is A okay, as long as I pick myself back up and keep it moving. 👄

The Other New Beginning

So many of you may or may not know me as Bopah from previously being a YouTube Vlogger.  I vlogged for about 5 years with Boatie, who is now my ex, whom I co-parent with to raise our 2 sons.  During the course of that 5 years, we made some really great memories and had the wonderful support of so many. I will always be grateful for that time in my life.  Now however, my life is very, very different and I've gotten used to expressing myself through my Vlogs which I would do now, but unfortunately, I do not have a working camera at this time so here I am blogging away.  So here we go...

Well first my name is actually Angelica.  I have had people ask if I mind still being called Bopah and honestly, I don't.  That name will always be a part of me, and I do still have friends that call me that.  I am a proud to say I am 35, even though it took me about 4 years to get to the point of stating my real age. Now, I actually love it.  I realize how much wiser I get as the years go by, even if sometimes it doesn't seem that way in the moment. lol I can honestly look back and I think, "Wow, how in the world did all that happen in a short amount of time, and yet here I am still standing".  I do give my children most of the credit because they were the ones silently telling me "You can do it Mom!" in their own way by just loving me unconditionally. They will always be my strength and reason for pushing myself as hard as I do. 

So, my break up was one of the most devastating things in my life, and I lived for the moments I had with my boys.  I even started sleeping with my 4-year-old at the time because I couldn't bear to sleep in my huge bed alone. In the beginning I did it for him, because he was upset that Boatie no longer lived with us. As any parent who has gone through this knows, it can be an extremely hard time. We often blame ourselves when our children hurt when something like that happens.  He would cry himself to sleep and I would hold him and try to comfort him the best I could.  All the while singing his nighttime "wheels on the bus" song and silently crying myself. It honestly took me back to a time where it was just my oldest son and myself, and his other person left.  I even kept calling my youngest son by his brother’s name because that's where it really took me.  I would just correct myself and move on about what I was saying or doing, but it lasted a good month or 2 until I stopped doing that.  Crazy how our minds work like that at times.

Fast forward almost 2 years later, and I now sleep in my own bed (thank you, thank you) and my youngest sleeps on his own.  He still gets sad by the fact that his other mom doesn't live with us, but rarely does it come out as often as it did before.  My oldest who is 17 had an issue with our split in the beginning, and he basically stated "Well, everyone leaves so its whatever".  (talk about twisting my heart into knots) Of course I reassured him that it wasn't the case and she would still be around, but seeing as she moved over 2 and a half hours from us, he was harder to convince.  Now however, he has seen how things have been, and has a normal relationship with us both.  He is completely back to thinking we are both uncool because we are parents. Which I however would like to state, "Umm hellooo, I'm a cool mom" Just saying. 👄